A pension plan for internet retards · Robinhood Chain

Retirement plans are for boomers.

Plan ahead. Hold $IRA and get a pension every 24 hours. 1% of every trade fills the pool. Claim whenever you like.

Open your IRA See how it works
Already a pensioner? Sign in to My IRA
  • 1% of every trade
  • Pension every 24 hours
  • Only cardholders share the pool
The Advisor, a smug Wojak in a navy suit and red bow tie, points at a rising chart while a confused elderly Wojak couple stares at an old computer
Paid daily
How it works

Three steps. None of them is waiting.

  1. The Advisor slides a Pension Card across a bank counter to a young Wojak in a hoodie Step 1

    Open your account

    Connect a wallet. Mint your Pension Card with a Degen Security Number, like 420-69-0001. It cannot be sold. Neither can your habits.

  2. A young Wojak trades on a laptop at 3 a.m. while coins fly from the screen into a piggy bank Step 2

    Trade as you normally do

    1% of every trade goes into the pool. We call it Round-downs. Consent is not required. Only Pension Card holders share it.

  3. The Advisor sits in a rocking chair on a porch with a blanket and a cup of tea beside a calendar that reads Day 1 Step 3

    Claim every 24 hours

    At 12:00 UTC the pool is split among everyone who held through the day. Claim it whenever you like. No lock, no penalty, no boomers.

Fund Structure

Fair launch. No team allocation.

  • 1% fee on every trade, split three ways.
  • 50% pension vault. 30% treasury. 20% buyback.
  • The pool is split every day at 12:00 UTC. Claim when you like.
  • Contract address: TBA. Like your retirement.
Contract TBA
Buy on Robinhood Chain Chart
A small neoclassical bank with a piggy bank statue on the roof; the Advisor holds a sign that reads Pensions paid daily
The IRA Match

Make moves. Get matched.

Robinhood matches your IRA contributions. So do we. The difference is the retirement age.

Robinhood IRA

  • 1% match on contributions
  • 3% with Robinhood Gold, $5 per month
  • Retirement age: 59 and a half years
  • Annual contribution limit: $7,500
This one

Internet Retard Account

  • Pension: your share of 1% of every trade, daily
  • IRA Gold: hold $500 of $IRA, pension weight ×1.25, no monthly fee
  • Retirement age: 24 hours
  • Annual contribution limit: your losses

Same match. Faster retirement. Worse clients.

A teller window with a sign Pension Day, every day: the Advisor hands stacks of cash to a queue of calm Wojaks under a clock showing 12:00
Pension Day

Every day at noon. Paid for by every trade.

The 1% trade fee fills the pool. At 12:00 UTC it is split among every Pension Card holder who held $IRA through the day, by balance. Claim it, or let it pile up.

Next Pension Day in
--days
--hrs
--min
--sec
Every day, 12:00 UTC. Bank holidays do not apply.
Compound Retardation
A hand-drawn chart falling over five days: Day 1 bought, Day 2 doubled down, Day 3 bought top, Day 4 took loan, Day 5 liquidated. Caption: Patience pays. The Advisor shrugs in the corner.

Five days. Five contributions. The vault thanks you.

Retard Strategies

Your pension, handled by the bros.

Retard Strategies invests your vault in tokenized stocks on Robinhood Chain. Select one portfolio. The fund does the rest.

  • Boomer Portfolio

    Stablecoins and index tokens. Designed for clients who wish to see their money again.

  • Degen Portfolio

    NVDA, TSLA and $IRA. Suitable for clients with a long horizon. The horizon is tomorrow.

  • A piggy bank in a necktie sitting on a stock certificate that reads HOOD

    Vlad Maxi

    100% HOOD stock token. The fund has no further comment on this allocation.

Management fee: 0.25% per year. Same as the pros.

The Advisor at a desk presenting three folders labeled Boomer, Degen and Vlad Maxi
404(k) Calculator

Retirement not found.

Enter your average monthly losses. We will calculate the year in which you may retire.

$
Retirement year
4947

Retirement year: 2847, revised upward. Please consider the Boomer Portfolio.

A crying Wojak kneels at the Advisor's desk holding up a phone with a crashing chart while the Advisor stamps a form Approved

Losses reviewed daily. All approved.

Open your IRA

Build your Pension Card.

Pick a face, a colour and a motto. One signature binds it to your wallet. It cannot be sold. Neither can your habits.

Face
Colour

MetaMask, Rabby, the Robinhood Wallet browser or WalletConnect. One signature, no gas.

Your Pension Card

Specimen. Connect a wallet to mint the real one.

Roadmap

Four phases. One of them is retirement.

  1. Phase 1

    Enrollment

    Fair launch. Pension Cards issued. Round-downs begin on the first trade.

  2. Phase 2

    Accumulation

    Daily pensions live. Claim button. Pension paid in stock tokens.

  3. Phase 3

    Management

    Strategies open. Beneficiary wallets. Employer Match for partner coins.

  4. Phase 4

    Distribution

    Golden Parachute Fridays. The first clients retire. Daily.

From the fund

Client education materials.

Plan ahead. Lose less along the way.
The Advisor points at a rising chart on the wall while an elderly Wojak couple looks worried at an old computer with a piggy bank on the desk
Not a financial advisor. Not even financially literate.
The Advisor standing with a piggy bank under his arm
Vlad Maxi. No further comment.
A piggy bank in a necktie on a HOOD stock certificate
An elderly Wojak couple reads a document titled IRA through a magnifying glass while the Advisor peeks over the sofa
FAQ

Questions we receive at 3 a.m.

What is an Internet Retard Account?

A pension plan for people who trade memecoins. It works like an IRA, only faster.

Who gets the pension?

Every Pension Card holder with $IRA in the wallet, by balance. No card, no pension. Hold $500 of $IRA and your weight is ×1.25.

Can I opt out of contributions?

No. One percent of every trade is set aside. You are welcome to trade less.

Is there a lock?

No. Hold through a day, claim the next. Sell whenever you like. The pension stops when the balance does.

How often can I claim?

Once every 24 hours. Miss a day and it piles up. The fund is patient so you do not have to be.

Is my account protected?

There is no SIPC coverage. Your Pension Card is soulbound. It is the only thing you cannot lose.

Are there tax advantages?

We are not aware of any. Losses may be deductible. Consult someone who is licensed.

What if I stop trading?

After 180 days of inactivity, your pension passes to your beneficiary. Please name one.

Is this affiliated with Robinhood?

No. We are a pension fund for people who use their app incorrectly.

Connect a wallet

Robinhood Chain, ID 4663. If your wallet does not have the network yet, we will offer to add it.